Writing that all-important first message

Writing that all-important first message

Last time we covered how to create a kick-ass dating profile that will get you noticed. This time we’ll talk about the next logical step—writing that all-important first message to someone who interests you.

Okay, so you’ve gotten your bearings on the dating site, you’ve been looking at different profiles, and you’ve found a couple people you’d like to know more about. You need to write some messages!

First it’s important to know how messaging works on the site you’re using. Depending on whether you have a free or paid membership, messaging capabilities may be different. Some sites offer free messaging, but many don’t. If you aren’t able to message other users, you absolutely must figure it out. Why? Because being able to send and receive messages is critical to success on any dating site. Messages are the equivalent of going up to someone and engaging them in conversation. That’s how relationships are started—not through sending out random “likes” or “smiles.” So figure out messaging however you need to, but do figure it out.

Now that you have messaging capabilities, it’s time to get to work!

My most important piece of advice: do not send a first message that says “Hello beautiful,” or “How are you doing, sexy?” That will get you exactly nowhere. Those kinds of messages are a dime a dozen, plus they sound a wee bit creepy. If you walked up to someone and said, “How are you doing, sexy?” they’d probably roll their eyes and walk away. And they’ll do the equivalent of that on a dating site. I can make an educated guess that these kinds of messages will get you a response about five percent of the time.

Strange or awkward first messages also will land you flat on your face. These might sound cute, funny or clever to you, but to the person on the receiving end they just sound…well, strange. The strangest one I’ve received of late – “I’m not a drinker but I see that you are. I don’t care if you drink, as long as you’re not an alcoholic.” Awww. Be still my heart! That’s a great example of what NOT to say (needless to say, I did not respond). There will be plenty of time later to talk about more serious things, but for the first message you need to keep it light and stay focused on the positive. If you’re truly enthralled with this person, you should be able to find something to say that’s interesting, upbeat and even a little playful.

Remember – this is your chance to shine and stand out from the crowd. Focusing on someone’s looks or their alcohol habits won’t do that, believe me.

So what should you write? First and foremost, read the person’s profile. I cannot stress this enough! Read the profile, read the profile, read the profile. You are gathering critical information for your message. Are any of their interests similar to yours? Do they mention pets, sports, or a favorite movie? Do they talk about travel or perhaps a love of reading? Do the two of you share political or religious beliefs? Do you like the same music? ANY of those topics will make a better first message than “Hello beautiful” or warnings about alcohol use.

Better yet, identify two or three things that intrigue you about their profile and write a message about all of them.

You also need to give them something to respond to. I was communicating with a man for a while and his messages amounted to, “Happy Tuesday!” or “Thank God it’s Friday!” Okay. But what am I supposed to say to that? “Happy Tuesday to you too.” Bye-bye now.

So ask a question, tell them an interesting fact about yourself, comment on something you noticed in one of their photos. Give them something to grab onto so they have a topic or question to respond to. That’s how you get a conversation going. Saying “Happy Tuesday” and nothing more leaves no opening for them to run with.

Your first message should be relatively short (but not too short—aim for about 75-100 words) and demonstrate that you have read their profile and you’re not just sending out thirty identical messages to see who responds.

Once you have the topic of your message down, start writing. And yes, there are guidelines on this part too. Most importantly: use punctuation and do a spelling and grammar check before you send the message! You would not believe how many messages I’ve gotten that have no punctuation—no commas, no periods. Nothing. These messages are like a vomit of words and they tell me all I need to know about this person. Quite frankly, I shake my head and then delete these nonsensical messages, not giving them another thought. Punctuation is crucial to an articulate message. And spelling and grammar errors are a serious turn off. You have spell check on your phone. Use it.

So craft your message using the guidelines above. Then read your message—and then read it again. Read it a third time just for good measure. Once you’re certain that everything is in order, then you can send it.

If you need a little extra help to get you started, here’s an example of a good first message:

“I really like your profile and I want to know more about you. You love music just like I do, and we both have dogs. I saw the picture of you and your beagle. I have a lab and her name is Sadie. What’s your dog’s name? I noticed you have photos of New York City on your profile. I love NYC and I’ve been there twice. What’s your favorite thing about New York? I love your grace and confidence and I’d like to get to know you. My name is Michael, by the way.”

Why is this a good message? Because you mentioned three things that this person clearly likes (music, dogs, and NYC), thus demonstrating that you took the time to read their profile; you built a bridge between the two of you by pointing out your similarities (again, music, dogs, and NYC); you paid them a subtle compliment; and you asked two questions, thus giving them something to respond to—all in just under 100 little words. Oh, and you used punctuation. Although I can’t guarantee a response (whether or not you get a response depends on a lot of factors), you just increased the likelihood of a response by a significant margin over the lazy “Hello beautiful” message.

So read the profile, craft an articulate, thoughtful message, and sit back and wait for the response to come back.

Try it, and do let me know if you’re successful.

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