You know by now that I’ve been doing online dating for a while. And I can’t count the number of times a complete stranger on a dating site has asked for—and sometimes demanded—my phone number.
My policy is that I do not give out my phone number until and unless we’ve met in person and we’ve both agreed that there’s a connection worth pursuing. If that happens, I will happily give out my phone number. But until then, nope. In fact, I’ve said those very words to several potential suitors. “Oh, you’re one of those,” one man said in response.
One of those? Really? While a small part of me might understand that response, a much larger part wanted to go off on him. Instead, I bid him adieu and moved on.
You see, I’ve had the same cell phone number for fifteen years. I use it for work, for friends and family, for all my accounts, for social media—for everything. I’ve searched my phone number on Google and guess what? Because my phone number is long-established, that simple search will find my full name, my home address, where I work, my family members (including my minor child)—in short, the keys to my entire life.
Not everyone’s phone number is as easily searchable as mine, of course, but by disclosing a phone number before we’re ready, we’re all at risk of disclosing far more than we intend.
Remember that until you’ve met someone in person and gotten to know them, they’re a stranger—someone anonymously sending messages through a dating site. You have no idea if they are who they say they are and if their intentions are good. Would you walk up to a random stranger on the sidewalk and give them your phone number? Yeah, I didn’t think so. But if you divulge your phone number to someone you’ve never met, that’s in essence what you’re doing.
You also have no guarantee that the person who now has your phone number won’t bombard you with endless calls and texts. “I promise not to harass you,” one guy said to me. “And if I do, you can block me.” Thanks, dude. That’s very comforting.
And even if you block someone’s number, there’s nothing stopping them from calling or texting you from a different number.
I know someone will undoubtedly say, “But that’s what we did in the old days. If we saw someone we liked, we asked for their phone number.”
Yup, we did. But those were the days before that crazy, amazing thing we call the internet. Now a phone number can potentially unlock many private details about our lives that we don’t really want a stranger having access to. The “old days” are long gone.
Another argument I’ve heard is that some people need to hear a potential date’s voice before agreeing to meet in person. Okay, I won’t get into how incredibly awkward and uncomfortable it is to try and carry on a meaningful phone conversation with someone you’ve never met, but I will ask “why?” Why must you talk on the phone before you meet someone in person? Do you think it’s possible that they sound like a bullfrog, or maybe that they can’t string two words together? Highly unlikely on both counts. And if you meet and find that the other person’s voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard, or they’re an inept conversationalist, just wish them well and take your leave. All you’re out is an hour or two of your time.
So all this is to say that my top priority in life is to keep myself safe (also keeping my child safe, but that’s a topic for another post). No one else is going to do that for me. So it’s up to me, and giving a stranger my phone number, and thus the key to unlock the personal details of my life, is the antithesis of keeping myself safe. Yes, I know. It’s very unlikely that there’s a risk in giving someone my phone number. But “very unlikely” is not “entirely impossible.” We’ve all heard the horror stories. I don’t intend to be one of them.
So please don’t ask for my phone number before we’ve met. Ask me out, compliment me, court me. When it comes time to exchange phone numbers, believe me, you’ll know.
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